Patsy Rae Dawson
The greatest spiritual challenges often occur when sin enters the home--they don't come from the ungodly outside Christ. Many sins take place in the home--bitterness, judging motives, drunkenness, adultery, deceit, reviling, physical abuse, sexual neglect, incest, homosexuality, etc. Covering up the mate's sins makes a person a partaker with those sins and the resulting secrecy allows the sins to flourish.
Thus, when sin invades the home, a spiritual battle must be fought--2 Cor. 10:3-6; Matt. 10:34-39. The best advice I can give is, "Get it out into the open and deal with it--don't hide it." However, sometimes the sinful spouse objects to the mate seeking outside help as Paul advised in Gal. 6:1-2 with "bear one another's burdens." Often the resistance comes because the husband or wife doesn't want anyone to know about his or her behavior. Jesus said, "For everyone who does evil hates the light, and does not come to the light, lest his deeds should be exposed" (John 3:20).
One wife said that every time she threatened to talk to the preacher, her husband, who verbally abused her every day, acted better for several weeks. Then he always went back to his old behavior; and they never really solved the problem because she never followed through on getting help. Another wife, who flaunted her mental adultery before her husband, quickly left the congregation where they attended when she learned that her husband was getting ready to ask witnesses to talk to her. Unfortunately, that husband didn't realize that was a common trick of sinners to avoid exposure and thought he couldn't ask fellow Christians for help after she left.
Sometimes, the innocent mate resists getting help because he or she is ashamed of what is happening in the marriage--the innocent mate is also afraid of the light. By the innocent mate taking the shame upon him or herself rather than bringing the problem out into the "light," the innocent mate buys into the sinner's need for secrecy. Sin thrives on secrecy. Secrecy in the home that covers up sin ultimately destroys the marriage.
Getting the sinful behavior out into the open may be hard and embarrassing, but it can also be a big relief to be able to talk about it to others and get their help. If the sinner won't do his or her part to be sanctified--don't hide it or make excuses. Get it out into the open and deal with it as sin because the mate is not justified before God yet. You will be the best friend your mate has by insisting that he or she deal with the sin. Treat it as grievous impenitent sin.
Part of getting the sin out into the open should be the innocent mate insisting that the unsanctified person be removed from all congregational duties because that person is not justified before God. When wives watch their husbands assume positions of leadership in the churches, whether preaching, serving as elders or deacons, or simply offering prayers, leading singing, etc., and the wives cover up the sins in the home, they partake of their husbands' sins. In the Old Testament, in Isa. 1:11-17, God didn't accept the worship of people who failed to seek justice or didn't reprove the ruthless. Likewise, in 1 Pet. 3:7-8, Peter told husbands that God doesn't hear their prayers, no matter how long or beautifully prayed, when they mistreat their wives. The example of Ananias and Sapphira in Acts 5 shows God's attitude toward wives who cover up their husbands' sins. Husbands also bear responsibility when they cover up for their wives' sins and do not object to their congregation duties, no matter how significant or minor they might be. The great mockery against God that takes place in many congregations during Bible classes and public worship could not exist without the silent cooperation of husbands and wives.
Many husbands and wives go to great lengths to put on faces of piety when attending public worship when their homes are full of all kinds of evil. How much better for the unsanctified person to remove his or her name from the duty roster, or the innocent mate to tell the spiritual leaders about the problem so they can remove the name, while the couple works on becoming sanctified and then justified.
Regardless of what the sexual sinner chooses to do, the spouse needs to go ahead and study so he or she can deal properly with the mate's sin. Studying helps the innocent spouse identify areas where he or she may be codependent and submissive to sin which actually enables the sinner to continue in sin. Also, learning about one's personal responsibility in dealing with a mate's sins and how to use the peer pressure of the church helps the spouse recognize and avoid harmful advice from spiritual leaders and other Christians.
When the mate won't study to become sanctified, the spouse needs to open his or her eyes by participating in the free Sexless Marriages & Without Natural Affection 4-Generation Survey. When you complete it, you'll be directed to a free Analysis of your answers along with a plan for dealing with the sin in your home. You'll also receive a free copy of the eReport Everyone Is an Adult Child: God Doesn't Tell Children to Love Their Parents, God Tells Children to Leave Their Parents. Most problems start in the home of origin, long before the marriage begins and problems arise.
Patsy Rae Dawson is the most outspoken Christian woman on sex and is a marriage, sex, and divorce coach. She works with clients who have tried almost everything to save their sexless marriage without much success. A dead bedroom is only one symptom of 24/7 clustered love sins. Patsy helps clients get to the core issues in their sexless marriage so they can make healthy decisions for themselves and their children.
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Some Battles in the Home Are Worth Fighting by Patsy Rae Dawson. Copyright © 2010 Patsy Rae Dawson LLC. All rights reserved.
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