by Patsy Rae Dawson ~
This survey, analysis, and support is adapted for churches from the Sexless Marriages & Without Natural Affection Reflective Survey.
Your members anonymously answer questions in 6 checklists of intensely personal simple questions that get to the core of various marriage problems among your members.
Detailed analysis and support will guide you in addressing the issues and promoting love in your families and among members. Your congregation will enjoy greater peace.
First-century pagans said, "What women those Christians have!"
It's time for 21st-century non-Christians to say, "What marriages those Christians have!"
Huge Spiritual Problem--Don't Think It's Not in Your Congregation
The #1 googled marriage problem is sexless marriages. On the Internet, women complain about a sexless spouse only slightly less than men do. This has been the #1 marriage problem I've dealt with among Christian women for over 40 years. Of the Christian respondents to the survey:
- 75% are women
- 25% are men
In 1983 I started warning congregations about sexual addiction escalating among Christians. I was right about that and today it's a major problem. Unfortunately, I'm also right about the widespread misery among Christians in being married to a sexless, unloving spouse. Not only is it probably in your congregation, but it affects your leaders and members along with your work in many ways.
Sexless marriages are only the most obvious sign of being without natural affection. Being without natural affection leads to all kinds of marriage problems including, but not limited to:
- Dirty fighting
- Money issues
- Judging motives
- Selfishness
- Childish problem-solving techniques
- Sense of entitlement
- Codependency
- Abuse of authority
- Sexual addiction and adultery
- Dead bedrooms
- Child-raising difficulties
How many of these signs of being without natural affection are in your congregation?
Statistics Show Christians Don't Have Confidence in Their Leaders to Help with Sexless Marriages
The Sexless Marriages & Without Natural Affection Reflective Survey shows that of the respondents:
- Only 17% had enough confidence in their spiritual leaders to ask for their help
- Only 2% said talking to the leaders helped their marriage
- The remaining 15% said they weren't helped or it made their situation worse
Here's some of the respondents' replies about what their elders, pastors, and other spiritual leaders told them:
According to the statistics and the replies, don't expect your members to share their deepest pain with you. Many fight depression and discouragement as they suffer in silence instead of asking for help. Or as many of them do, they commiserate with other sufferers who don't have any answers either.
This problem affects your members spiritually, the work of the church, and your influence in the community.
It goes without saying that a lack of confidence reflects on church leadership when members don't come to you for help. You need to find a way to...
- Help people feel comfortable talking about sensitive subjects
- Get an accurate view of what's going on in your congregation
- Provide needed leadership, teaching, and support about growing in love
Many Christians Fail to Rise to Their Full Potential in All Areas
Nearly every respondent to the Sexless Marriages & Without Natural Affection Reflective Survey checked that they never rise to their full potential in one or more of the following areas:
- 81% as a spouse
- 40% as a parent
- 58% as a Christian
- 23% as an employee or boss
What will the statistics reveal for your congregation? Do your members have enough confidence in the leadership to ask for help? Do your members rise to their full potential? Are you in the dark about what's being kept a secret in your congregation, yet affecting the spiritual life of your members and the work of your congregation?
Successful corporations would be alarmed by these numbers for their managers and employees. To avoid this problem, they routinely hire outside organizations to conduct surveys to help management increase productivity and lower turnover and burnout. We should care as much about our fellow laborers for the Lord and ourselves.
Loveless Homes Make Your Congregation's Worship Vain
What goes on in the home doesn’t stay there—it molds future generations. A person’s home of origin and marriage impact every aspect of a person’s life—especially their faith and religious activities. Additionally, because of hidden problems in the home, God does not accept the spiritual service and prayers of religious leaders and congregation workers who mistreat their wives.
1 Peter 3:7: “You husbands in the same way, live with your wives in an understanding way, as with someone weaker, since she is a woman; and show her honor as a fellow heir of the grace of life, so that your prayers will not be hindered.”
Many of the prayers offered in our congregations don't rise any higher than the ceiling. How's it working in your congregation? Do you really know what's going on with your families?
This is a serious problem for congregations. Many congregations are naive about what goes on behind closed doors. They wonder why their congregation isn't growing as it should. This survey gives the congregational leaders a clear picture of what their members need in the way of teaching and encouragement.
A Lack of Love in Your Homes Leads to Atheism in Your Young People
Many congregations complain about losing their young people. Atheism is on the rise among young people raised by Christian parents who are anything but loving at home. Read my article about the adult child of parents who acted loving at services, but fought on the way home.
Scroll down to see the statistics on the rise of atheism. These adult children view their parents as hypocrites who preach love on Sunday morning, but don’t even like each other the rest of the time.
The Survey Assesses 24/7 Clustered Love Sins
The survey addresses inner-personal relationships in a thorough manner based on 19 clustered love sins from God’s word that surround being without natural affection:
2 Timothy 3:1-5: “But realize this, that in the last days difficult times will come. For men will be (1) lovers of self, (2) lovers of money, (3) boastful, (4) arrogant, (5) revilers, (6) disobedient to parents, (7) ungrateful, (8) unholy, (9) unloving [without natural affection for family], (10) irreconcilable, (11) malicious gossips, (12) without self-control, (13) brutal, (14) haters of good, (15) treacherous, (16) reckless, (17) conceited, (18) of pleasure rather than lovers of God, (19) holding to a form of godliness, although they have denied its power; Avoid such men as these.”
These 19 clustered love sins expose the common problems found in marriages. The 24/7 abuses revolve around being without natural affection and include, but not limited to:
- Dirty fighting
- Money issues
- Judging motives
- Selfishness
- Childish problem-solving techniques
- Sense of entitlement
- Codependency
- Abuse of authority
- Sexual addiction and adultery
- Dead bedrooms
- Child-raising difficulties
The survey deals with sensitive, embarrassing topics in a safe way.
For more information read my article
“Can Sexless Marriages Be Turned Around?” Radio Replay Plus 2 Epiphanies
Congregational Peer Pressure Can Work When All Else Fails
Peer pressure has always been the most powerful tool for dealing with spouse abuse. For example, in the case of wife abuse, “the men are very confrontive and the peer pressure is very powerful” (Karen White, “Domestic Violence: Counseling of Both Parties Breaks the Pattern,” Santa Maria Times, 10/6/87, p. 10).
God provides many ways to use peer pressure in the church. Public teaching is the easiest way to touch tender hearts, especially when everyone is talking about what they're learning and applying it to their lives. But public teaching also educates and trains potential witnesses for dealing with unrepentant sin in the home such as being without natural affection (2 Timothy 3:1-5, Matthew 18:15-17).
I suspect you'll find that peer pressure is also the most powerful tool for getting the attention of sexless spouses who don’t want to change or don’t believe they can change. Many of your members are suffering needlessly because they don't have access to knowledgeable spiritual leaders or Christians who can apply peer pressure to their unloving spouse. Peer pressure is one of God's many ways of escape from sexless marriages and the accompanying sins that go along with them.
Turn the Survey Data into Action Designed Specifically for Your Congregation
You will receive a written analysis of the results of your congregational survey respecting the privacy of the participants. Then I will work with you to design a teaching program that addresses your congregation's specific problems.
Here’s some advantages of doing an anonymous, privacy-protecting Congregational Without Natural Affection Reflective Survey and then putting the data to work:
The Leaders
Become more qualified to help instead of harming loveless marriages- Experience more members trusting their advice
- Have more qualified members from which to choose workers
- Learn how to apply peer pressure to stubborn loveless spouses
- Can guide the congregation in growing in love for one another
Back when I was a preacher's wife for 22 years, I often asked preachers and elders, "Do the men who cause the most problems in your congregation, do they also have the worst marriages?"
You could see these spiritual leaders going down a mental list before replying, "Yes, they do."
The Members
- Can request help anonymously through the survey
- Can get peer-pressure help with a stubborn, loveless mate
- Begin healing their souls and marriages with the free eReports
- Benefit from public teaching even when discussion at home stalls
- Reflect love that others can feel, which encourages others to solve their problems
Some women in California who had gone through my God's People Appreciate Marriage classes went to their preacher with a list of problems they had with their husbands. The preacher said, "I had no idea these things were going on."
He listened to the women and helped get a couples' class going using the same book. The women thrilled to the changes in their marriages when they were studying with their husbands and everyone was held accountable.
The Congregation
- Reinforces change in others through open dialogue about public teaching
- Supports each other in becoming more loving
- Experiences fewer young people rejecting their parents’ faith as hypocritical
- Prevents unloving people from offering prayers that are unacceptable to God
- Provides more qualified teachers, workers, and lay counselors as a light unto the world that desperately needs God's love
The rest of the California congregation story: Every time someone placed membership with the congregation, they were expected to attend the couples' marriage class. Many of the original members repeated the class and continued to work on their marriage. The congregation became an amazing example of love for the community.
It took the teacher a couple of years of continuously teaching the material to get up his nerve to teach God's People Make the Best Lovers, but he was excited to do so. I kept him in mind when I wrote The Song of Solomon Love Triangle: God's Soulmating and Lovemaking Guide for a Lifetime of Passionate Sex. I put the hard or sensitive topics at the back in appendices for the students to read on their own. The teacher can then focus on the Song of Solomon story and add as many details as he or she is comfortable with.
Your congregation will never be the same after participating in this groundbreaking survey and following up with much needed study programs to promote love among your members.
Want More Information About the Survey?
The Sexless Marriages & Without Natural Affection Reflective Survey gives detailed information about the contents of this survey. It also tells about the three free eReports each of your participating members will receive.
The main difference between the two surveys is that the focus of your congregational survey along with the analysis and support will be on being without natural affection and marriage problems in general--not just sexless marriages. In nearly all severe marriage problems, being without natural affection weighs heavily on the issues.
This includes, but is not limited to these 24/7 clustered-love sins:
- Dirty fighting
- Money issues
- Judging motives
- Selfishness
- Childish problem-solving techniques
- Sense of entitlement
- Codependency
- Abuse of authority
- Sexual addiction and adultery
- Dead bedrooms
- Child-raising difficulties
By teaching your members how to love their mate, you automatically solve many of these accompanying issues.
How the Survey Works
When your congregation participates, I will set the survey up with a unique URL (web address) for only your members. Identifying questions will be removed so that members’ answers are truly anonymous even to the elders and other workers who might access the results. Questions will be added to give members a chance to make anonymous comments and requests to your congregational leaders.
After the survey closes, you will receive an analysis of the answers and a profile of the marriage problems in your congregation including statistics for the various issues. Additionally, you will receive a set of resources for a suggested teaching program along with recommendations on how to proceed.
The survey is free for your members to take and do a self-assessment of their marriage. Participants will have access to the three eReports to begin healing their marriage on their own.
The survey set-up, analysis, and supporting materials will be billed based on the size of your congregation. Contact me with questions about the affordable price for setting up a Congregational Without Natural Affection Reflective Survey and for advice on how to approach your leadership at Patsy at PatsyRaeDawson.com.
May God be with us all as we work to help families love each other,
Patsy Rae Dawson
Patsy Rae Dawson works with clients who have tried almost everything to save their sexless marriage without much success. She uses a comprehensive survey to help Christians and congregations get to the core issues in their loveless marriages so they can deal with the real problems.
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