by Patsy Rae Dawson ~
In dead bedrooms, 89% of sexless spouses refuse to talk or read about sex according to the respondents to my ongoing Sexless Marriages & Without Natural Affection Reflective Survey. The participants ranged in age from 25 to over 80. This leaves only three options for loving husbands and wives:
- Confront the spouse’s sexual mistreatment.
- Divorce and try to find a loving mate.
- Give up and endure the emotional and sexual misery.
Debbie Reynolds Exposed Her 3 Passionless Marriages
Perhaps the most loved and famous of openly passionless spouses, Debbie Reynolds was divorced three times. In 2011, she shared with Oprah that she had horrible taste in men. Citing the affairs and some of the abuses she’d suffered such as squandering all her money, she confided, “I’ve given up on men.”
Yet four years later at age 82, Debbie accepted some of the blame in an interview with The Express. She lamented that her failed marriages were her greatest regret saying, “I wish I were better at it…. My three husbands all left me for another woman.” She continued, “Obviously I wasn’t a very sexual lady. My husbands all repeatedly said the same thing—that I was not a very passionate woman.”
Debbie acknowledged that maybe…just maybe…she’d missed something, but it was too late to become passionate.
Two Myths Hindered Debbie’s Generation in Being Passionate
Rejecting passionate sex was typical of women in Debbie’s day. Leftover bogus Victorian medical and religious dogma propagated two myths:
- Nice women don’t talk about or enjoy sex.
- And nice women certainly don’t initiate sex.
Reading Might Have Saved Debbie’s Marriage
The pity is, five years before her first marriage a popular book debunked these marriage-destroying myths. A trip to the bookstore with $5 might have saved Debbie’s marriage to Eddie Fisher, who divorced her to marry the passionate Elizabeth Taylor.
Only 13 years younger than Debbie, I grew up exposed to the same myths. I could easily have become a passionless wife also except for a twist of fate.
My mother worked as the bookkeeper at my dad’s car dealership. One day a traveling salesman left a book in the office for the men to read on their breaks. My mother thought the men had no business reading such a scandalous book. She got up in the middle of the night, drove to the dealership, and stole the book.
When I reached puberty, I found the book in the bottom drawer of her dresser. The subject was so taboo that the three doctors who wrote it in 1950 did not give their full names. To this day, the identities of Doctors A. Willy, L. Vander, and O. Fisher remain unknown.
The Illustrated Encyclopedia of SEX Was Far Ahead of Its Time
As a preteen, The Illustrated Encyclopedia of SEX with its medical explanations and drawings shaped my views toward marriage and sex. I learned two things:
- Sex isn’t just for having babies. A woman’s body is created for sexual ecstasy, just as a man’s is. The book taught women how to prevent pregnancy with the rhythm method so they could enjoy recreational sex with their husband.
- A wife should never tell her husband, “No,” because of his anatomy and the harmful effects of an excessive buildup of semen. I vowed to never refuse my husband.
I married in 1964 expecting to enjoy sex. I was not disappointed. I began married life enjoying clitoral orgasms.
Later in 1974, I read Dr. Marie N. Robinson’s book The Power of Sexual Surrender. Both Dr. Robinson and The Encyclopedia taught that sex begins in our brain. We must educate our mind to free our body to respond passionately.
Dr. Robinson’s book changed my life as I quickly transitioned into multiple vaginal orgasms. I’ve been teaching women the secret of how to share vaginal orgasms with their husband for over 40 years. For proof of how our brain is our most powerful sexual organ, take The Hand Love Test.
The Sins of Male Sexuality Were Revealed
In the late 1970s, sexologists began teaching a shocking fact found in The Encyclopedia. In chapter 39, “The Sins of the Male” showcased a general premise throughout the book—men’s inhibited attitudes and sexual responses cause as many problems as women’s hang-ups. Prior to that time most books on sex blamed the woman for all of a couple’s sexual problems.
Indeed, 72% of the respondents to my Sexless Marriages Survey are wives who complain that their husband rejects them both emotionally and sexually. Additionally, the #1 googled marriage problem is sexless marriages and dead bedrooms. Women conduct nearly 50% of the online searches for answers on how to deal with a sexless spouse.
Debbie Made the Mistake of Waiting to Feel the Passion
In her interview with The Express Debbie said, “I was waiting to feel the passion.” She didn’t know how a woman must yield to her own desires to create passion. Consequently, she missed out on a lifetime of loving and being loved.
She also denied her children the greatest gift parents can give them—the blessing of growing up with two parents who passionately love each other. Children thrive when their parents exhibit both romantic and parental love which release oxytocin for everyone—the soothing hormone of loving touches.
Perhaps Debbie was like many sexless spouses today who refuse to talk or read about how to enjoy passionate sex. Many stubbornly assert nothing is wrong with them. They pretend that they have legitimate reasons for telling their mate, “No.” They refuse to examine their heart to discover why they don’t feel and express natural emotional and sexual affection for their partner.
The bottom line? Noble and self-righteous excuses for rejecting sex allow sexless individuals to deprive and blame their mate. They often claim their spouse must be oversexed or a sexual addict if the mate enjoys making love. Instead, they need to accept responsibility for being without natural affection.
What Do Respondents Advise Those in Sexless Marriages?
The Sexless Marriages Survey includes the question, “What advice would you give someone in a sexless marriage?” The #1 answer is “Get out!”
A thirtyish husband who had been in a sexless marriage for over a decade and used the code name “Been dead since the start” answered, “Fix it or get out. It doesn’t fix itself and counseling doesn’t help.”
A fiftyish divorced woman who was married for two decades waiting for her husband to have sex with her advised, “Either seek counseling assistance (church or otherwise) or get out of the marriage as soon as possible.”
A sixtyish wife married over two decades said that her sexless husband made her feel “hopeless, very old, very unwanted, and ugly.” Her advice? “Set a time period early on in the marriage of how long you will put up with it before you leave or you will stay way too long until you’re old and sick like I did.”
Learn From Debbie Reynolds’ Candor
All three of Debbie’s husbands divorced her in their pursuit of finding a loving woman. As long as a sexless spouse refuses to talk or read about sex your ability to wake up your dead bedroom is nil.
If you’re the sexless partner who withholds passion from yourself and your mate, don’t wait until you’re too old for love as Debbie did to admit that maybe…just maybe…your marriage could be a whole lot more loving and fun. While you have time to learn and save your marriage, explore the power of your attitudes to free your body to begin speaking God’s beautiful language of love which transcends words.
Patsy Rae Dawson is a Christian marriage, sex, and divorce coach. Start solving your sexless marriage problems today and take her free Sexless Marriages & Without Natural Affection Reflective Survey. It contains 6 checklists of intensely personal simple questions to help you analyze the true state of your relationship so you can make healthy, loving decisions.
#sexlessmarriages #deadbedrooms #passionlessmarriages #DebbieReynolds
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