Nearly all sexless marriages involve at least one person who is not living in the strengths of their genetic personality. Instead, they're functioning in their masked weaknesses. This inhibits their ability to love them self, their mate, and their children.
Why is understanding personality important for overcoming a sexless marriage?
The Bible Links Our Sexuality to Our Personality
Briefly, Proverbs 7 preserves a portrait of the personalities of both the sexually inhibited wife and the sexually naive young man who frolics with her. The woman of great price in Proverbs 31:10-31 reveals the personality and character of a woman who knows how to love her husband and enjoy sex for herself. The sexually fulfilled man's personality is showcased in 1 Peter 3:7 and Ephesians 5:23-33.
In God's People Make the Best Lovers, I devote four chapters to discussing these verses and the relationship of our personality to our sexuality.
Our Sexuality Develops Side-by-Side With Our Personality
Dr. Marie N. Robinson explains in The Power of Sexual Surrender the relationship between a child's developing personality and sexuality:
When all goes well in the development of the young girl, both her personality and her sexual passions will flower, she will achieve a beautiful and integrated maturity. But if, as so often happens, thwarting or blighting experiences take place, the development of her personality and her sexuality will be frozen at their sources (17).
Dr. Robinson's practice and research involved women. Modern researchers observe various aspects of the same pattern in men. For example, note Drs. Douglas Weiss (Beyond the Bedroom), Bernie Zilbergeld (Male Sexuality), Archibald D. Hart (The Sexual Man), Kenneth Adams (Silently Seduced), and Patrick Carnes (Sexual Anorexia).
Both young girls' and boys' developing personality and sexuality support and balance each other. But, if they grow up in a dysfunctional home or experience bullying or sexual inappropriateness, the events frequently block their emerging personality and sexuality. They may lack the capacity to feel even the beginnings of sexual excitement (11).
How Freezing the Personality and Sexuality Occurs
Our personality is 60% genetics and 40% nurturing or learned. But as Dr. Robinson explained, toxic nurturing and relationships can overwhelm and hide our genetic personality and loving nature.
Often children and adults in an unloving environment suppress their natural personality to walk on eggshells. They may even adopt the personality of the abuser to keep the peace. Frequently, abusers try to change the codependent into a clone of them self. This pressure to change intensifies the harm done to a person's expression of their genetic personality which affects their budding sexuality.
Overview of Our Brain's Quadrants With Corresponding Personality Squares
The four genetic personalities correspond to the four quadrants of our brain. While we use all four parts of our brain, we have a dominant way of thinking and doing.
You've heard of left brain vs. right brain. Our personality is more complicated than that. In addition to our dominant way of thinking, we also utilize a connecting secondary mode.
Here's how our brain's quadrants line up with the Wired That Way personality squares:
- Frontal left is the choleric leader. This analytical extrovert specializes in analysis, logic, priorities, mathematics, negotiation, finances, and debate.
- Frontal right is the sanguine creative. This intuitive extrovert succeeds with breakthrough thinking, innovation, humor, expressiveness, and sees the big picture.
- Basal left is the melancholy perfectionist. This organizing introvert excels at detailing and monitoring procedures, routines, schedules, and efficiency.
- Basal right is the phlegmatic peacekeeper. This harmonizing introvert soothes with nurturing, spirituality, intuitive wisdom, and one-liners to break the tension.
Not Living in Our Genetic Personality Is Difficult and Exhausting
Dr. Richard Haier, who pioneered the use of neuroimaging to study intelligence in 1988, says:
We prefer one mode [of thinking] because our brain is naturally more efficient in that mode. He emphasized: When we aren't thinking or working in our primary mode, we use 100 times more oxygen and energy than we require to function in our genetic personality. Consequently, not living in our authentic personality is difficult and exhausting.
How Unmasking Stuart's Personality Changed His Life
Stuart (not his real name) grew up with both parents abusing alcohol and drugs as did his wife's parents. He contacted me for help when his wife said she wanted a divorce because of his sexual issues. Additionally, after seeming to enjoy sex, his wife would pull back with no sex except for rare special occasions. See my article for more information on pullbacks:
Part 1: Why Do Wives Pull Back From Sex When They’re Starting To Enjoy It?
Note: Spouses who are denied an active sexual life with a loving mate frequently develop sexual hang-ups of their own in an effort to try to relieve the emotional and physical pain of constant rejection.
Stuart and I began with an in-depth personality reveal over several weeks. This takes out a lot of the guess work, and many issues resolve organically. It also accelerates sexual understanding and healing. The reasons for being masked are usually the same experiences that inhibit a person's sexuality. It speeds up progress by allowing us to highlight and enhance the person's genetic emotional needs and inherent way of addressing problems and stress.
His employer had tested Stuart as a perfectionist/phlegmatic. Unfortunately, most personality programs highlight how you're acting now and don't look for ways you're masked. Stuart had carried his childhood survival masking into his work and marriage.
He hated confrontations and withdrew emotionally when his wife began complaining. The more passive he became, the louder she screamed trying to get a reaction out of him.
We discovered Stuart is a genetic choleric/sanguine both left and right frontal-brain thinking. He was totally masked. He walked on eggshells with his wife as a pseudo melancholy instead of exercising the natural leadership qualities of his choleric. He clamped down on his happy, loving sanguine side because she protested that she didn't want to be the bad parent while he was the good parent.
Too many times we think of a leader as domineering and enforcing mindless obedience. But a leader doesn't boss others around. A true leader leads. We combined the assets of Stuart's genetics with the how to fight fair rules in Challenges in Marriage: What to Do When Sin Inhibits Love.
Stuart's released choleric/sanguine personality developed into a natural loving leadership style. The frequent arguments began to change as his wife responded to her new, authentic husband. His sense of humor returned and he initiated discussions of problems instead of withdrawing. Plus he was able to foresee potential conflicts and head them off with insightful leadership.
We combined the personality work with studying my three marriage books to address Stuart's sexual issues. Once he was no longer draining his emotional energy by functioning as someone he wasn't, he applied the resulting vitality to facing his sexual problems. His logical choleric thinking responded to the wisdom of the scriptures to transform his sexual views and responses.
A couple of weeks ago Stuart excitedly reported that his wife said:
"We've been in a bad place in our relationship for a long time. But I want you to know that I want a good marriage, and I want it with you. I'd like for us to start reading together some of those marriage books you've been studying."
Stuart asked, "Where do you suggest we start?"
I said:
Read The Song of Solomon Love Triangle: God's Soulmating and Lovemaking Guide for a Lifetime of Passionate Sex together in bed.
Disclaimer: Everyone has different homes of origin and personality and sexual issues. They may not respond in the same manner Stuart and his wife did. Some problems may resolve quickly while others may require more time or professional psychological intervention. The Bible does not guarantee that all marriages can be saved.
Patsy Rae Dawson is a Christian marriage, sex, and personality coach. Her most popular coaching program is Sexuality & Personality Breakthrough Training: Hope for Sexless Marriages & Broken Souls When All Else Fails. Are you in a sexless marriage? Take Patsy's free Sexless Marriages & Without Natural Affection Self-Assessment Survey. Six checklists of intensely personal simple questions help you analyze the true state of your relationship so you can start solving the core problems.