Are you trying to endure a sexless marriage hoping it'll eventually become loving?
Statistics from my Sexless Marriages & Without Natural Affection Self-Assessment Reflective Survey reveal 3 reasons you can expect your marriage to get worse--much worse over time. If you’re putting up with these 3 love sins in your home, listen to the respondents to this survey. Unless you step up to truly solve the lack of intellectual, emotional, and sexual love in your marriage, you can expect your misery to increase.
The background of the participants shows a full range of age and marital status. They varied in age from 25 to 70. They were 30% male and 70% female. Their marital status was as follows:
73%—Married only 1 time
27%—Married 2 to 3 times
They were married from 1 year (1 person) to 40-45 years (4 people)
Only 1 participant was divorced and only 1 was separated.
For religious affiliation, the statistics show:
44%—Non-denominational Christian
21%—Evangelical
17%—Protestant
9%—Spiritual more than religious
3%—Catholic
2%—Jewish
2%—Agnostic
2%—None
Their answers expose 3 reasons sexless marriages get worse over time:
1. The Blame Game Becomes Exhausting
Dr. Douglas Weiss says in Intimacy Anorexia that the #2 universal characteristic of sexless spouses is assigning blame to their mate. According to the anorexics, everything that goes wrong is their mate’s fault, especially their lack of being available sexually. The sex-depriving spouse maintains a pseudo image of perfection by continual fault finding.
In the Sexless Marriages Survey 92% of the respondents indicated their spouse blamed them. Notice the top percentages on a few of the items they checked under “Blames you”:
66%—Not allowed to express any displeasure with him or her
63%—Everything is always someone else’s fault
63%—Easily offended
58%—Blaming leads to arguments
50%—Turns your complaints around into an attack on you
47%—Blames you for his or her lack of sexual interest
44%—Never apologizes
42%—Assigns bad motives to you
The respondents said the blaming started
10%—Courtship
18%—The first year
74%—Got worse as the marriage aged
The loving spouse is always on the defensive trying to deflect the blame and turn the marriage into a loving one. As a result, 50% of the respondents said they felt like they were going crazy from all the irrational blaming. Additionally, 37% said they don’t know what’s real anymore.
Eventually the blaming turns ugly as many of the respondents indicated:
37%—Blaming has led to extreme bitterness against you
32%—Openly hostile toward you
29%—Blaming has turned into hatred for you
The crazy-making attacks also affect the sexual dud. The sexless spouse becomes emotionally worn out from always trying to keep the upper hand in avoiding personal responsibility. As the marriage ages, they devote less effort to making their blame game believable. The marriage takes a nose dive that confuses the loving mate.
2. Withholding Affection Turns into an Addiction
Dr. Weiss calls sexless spouses “intimacy anorexics” who are addicted to withholding affection and sex from the mate. They enjoy causing pain and starving their mate for love.
The Sexless Marriages & Without Natural Affection Self-Assessment Survey is based on 2 Timothy 3:1-5 that exposes 19 love-clustered sins that are common in sexless marriages. Sin #9 is “without natural affection” which means “without natural affection for family” (Thayer 82). It also means “devoid of natural human affection, calloused and inhumane” (Amplified Bible).
We mistakenly limit "without natural affection" to homosexual relationships. My background is in dealing with sexual addiction, adultery, and sexless marriages. The main difference I've found in sexual defrauders, mental adulterers, sexual addicts, adulterers, and closeted gays and lesbians who marry straights is the gender of the object of their lust.
Sexually-depriving heterosexual husbands and wives sound amazingly like gays and lesbians who sexually defraud their straight spouse. All these sexual sinners share the common characteristic of being without natural affection for their family.
For sin #10, “irreconcilable,” 95% of the respondents checked one or more of the following items under “arguments over lack of sex”:
22%—Started on honeymoon
65%—Going on for years
41%—Going on for decades
49%—It gets better for a little while, then goes back to the way it was
60%—Sexual neglect slowly gets worse over time
57%—You view having a loving marriage as hopeless and have given up
24%—Your hormones have slowed down and you no longer fight over sex
70%—But you are more emotionally lonely than ever
This problem is not going to get better on its own just as drug addictions don’t go away without intervention. As the survey shows, sexless marriages get worse the longer they go on.
3. Hatred of Good Replaces Love
For sin #14, “haters of good,” 78% of the respondents checked one or more of the following items under “red flags of a hateful heart”:
43%—Your gut tells you your spouse does not like you
38%—Uses ugly, impatient tone of voice when talking to you
38%—Totally void of any affection
22%—Spouse acts like he or she hates you
19%—Eyes are dead or reflect hatred
11%—Makes you the brunt of jokes to your family
8%—Gut is screaming you’re in danger
Ironically, the more you love your sexless spouse, the more he or she will grow to hate you.
Why? Because you’re good and loving. All you want is a healthy, loving marriage. You keep bringing up love and sex and asking your spouse to be affectionate.
You won’t let him or her wallow in secret sin without a fight. You don’t know what all you’re opposing, but your spouse does. And your companion doesn't want to risk you uncovering his or her secrets.
Becoming a hater of good is part of the normal progression of sexual sin because good exposes the evilness of sin, although perhaps somewhat innocently. The Apostle Paul said:
Ephesians 5:11-12: “Do not participate in the unfruitful deeds of darkness, but instead even expose them; for it is disgraceful even to speak of the things which are done by them in secret.”
By you arguing about the lack of sex and refusing to embrace a dead bedroom, you are forcing your sex-depriving spouse to try to hide their black heart. Finding ways to shift the blame from them to you is exhausting. Like all addicts, they enjoy their highs and try to protect their addiction, but your naive goodness gets in the way.
They just want you to go to your separate bedroom and, “Shut up about sex and let me enjoy hurting you!”
Conclusion
If you’re playing the blame, addition, and hate games, you can never win. It’s time to call out the cheating tactics and change the dynamics. Start by participating in the free Sexless Marriages and Without Natural Affection Self-Assessment Reflective Survey. It’ll open your eyes to what you’re dealing with so you can fight about the right things.
You’ll get three bonus eReports to help you get started healing your soul and holding your spouse accountable for being without natural affection. Then you can begin to make healthy decisions for your children and yourself. Your sexless spouse chooses if you can touch his or her heart.
God does not trap anyone in these loveless, sexless marriages. We trap ourselves by our ignorance of how much God loves passionate sex and hates sexless marriages.
May God be with you on your journey toward enlightened peace and love,
Patsy
Patsy Rae Dawson is a Christian marriage, sex, and divorce expert and coach. She’s the author of The Song of Solomon Love Triangle: God’s Soulmating and Lovemaking Guide for a Lifetime of Passionate Sex. She administers the ongoing Sexless Marriages & Without Natural Affection Self-Assessment Survey. Patsy does a similar survey just for churches to help them plan their teaching program to increase love in their homes.