by Patsy Rae Dawson ~ Inhibited desire and pleasure blight the capacities of husbands and wives—stunting their personalities and chilling their ability to love at their heart’s deepest core. Understanding what kind of inhibitions a couple is dealing with is the first step toward healing. ~
This article is adapted from The Power of Sexual Surrender for Christians, which is a commentary-in-progress by Patsy Rae Dawson of Dr. Marie N. Robinson's book The Power of Sexual Surrender. In the article below, Dr. Robinson's words are followed by Patsy Rae Dawson's comments in italics between *PRD: …italics….* just as they do in the book.
Overview of the 5 Types of Sexual Inhibitions
By Dr. Marie N. Robinson with Commentary by Patsy Rae Dawson
Sexual inhibitions blight the capacities of both husbands and wives—stunting their personalities and chilling and killing their ability to love at their heart’s deepest core. Only when men and women get a clear picture of such matters can they find their way back to the high road of real adult love.
“Sexual inhibitions,” [hereafter simply “inhibitions”] in its most general sense, refers to an inability to enjoy love to its fullest potential. This means, purely and simply, the inability to have an orgasm of the type described in chapter 2 [shared vaginal orgasms with cervical kisses]. But it is more complicated than that, for there are degrees of inhibitions. It is essential to understand what this means.
1. “Totally Inhibited” Men and Women
Sexual anesthesia is characterized by a subnormal degree of sensation in the entire genital area and weak and infrequent episodes of pleasure. On a scale showing the degrees of inhibitions, totally inhibited men and women would represent close to “absolute zero.” This form of inhibitions is called “sexual anesthesia” in textbooks. The word “anesthesia” means the absence, or relative absence, of sensation.
*PRD: Husbands and Wives Can Block Daily Sensual Twinges
In the article “Why Women [or Men] Lose Interest in Sex,” Linda Murray explains how the normal man or woman experiences hundreds of erotic thoughts and feelings during the day. Many of these impulses pass by so fleetingly that the person fails to notice them consciously. But this “psychological priming” keeps both men and women in a “constant state of emotional readiness for sharing love.”
Husbands and wives deal with their daily impulses in several ways. Here is the uninhibited way to increase ecstasy:
- They channel their sensations toward their mate to enhance desire. This turns into daytime flirting and planning for lovemaking, which greatly increases their individual passion and pleasure.
Here are the inhibited options that numb sensations with the mate:
They can direct their urges toward any person of the opposite sex within their vicinity. They may refrain from planning how to get together with that person but simply wonder what contact would be like. - They can direct their thoughts toward a pornographic picture on a handheld device, the television, or computer.
- They may block these romantic signals for just their mate or all persons of the opposite sex. Some men and women block their desires all their lives because of feelings of disgust and shame.
The medication danger:
- Prescriptions can interfere with both men’s and women’s sensual twinges. Drugs may act so subtly that the person doesn’t realize what is happening until the mate says something. It pays to read about side effects and to discuss them with the doctor or pharmacist.
Sometimes just alerting clients to pay attention to their subliminal twinges of desire makes a tremendous difference in overcoming their inhibitions.*
2. “Partially Inhibited” Men and Women
At the opposite end on this scale of inhibitions are the men and women who tremble on the verge of sensual maturity but cannot step over the line. In the act of love, they have all the responses of normal intercourse, but they cannot come to a satisfying conclusion. Or at least orgasm happens rarely—once in ten or twenty times. And it is generally mild and unsatisfactory.
*PRD: Both Men and Women Fake Orgasms
In 1967, Dr. Philip M. Sarrel, a member of the Department of Obstetrics and Gynecology at Yale, set up a course on human sexuality for medical students. He and his wife Lorna, a psychiatric social worker, eventually set up a counseling service at Yale after the college began accepting female students.
The Sarrels revealed in a 1977 article, “What Men Need from the Women Who Love Them,” that men fake many aspects of their sexuality just as women do. They explained that the male is as complex a being as the female regarding feelings, thoughts, guilt, physical sensations, and what they fake.
An orgasm isn’t always a great experience for a man. Just as the woman experiences degrees of pleasure based on her attitudes, so does the man. While a man may ejaculate, an effortless feat for most men, pleasurable physical and emotional sensations may be nearly non-existent. At other times his physical and mental sensations create intense rapture.*
Partial Inhibitions Are Relatively Easy to Resolve
You will be interested to know that partial inhibitions are relatively easy to resolve.
- This kind may disappear entirely after the birth of a child.
- It may be dispelled by a single conversation with a wise counselor or with time and a minimum of insightful understanding.
- Sometimes one can obtain healing by taking thought or learning more about the nature of the problem.
All solutions involve correcting certain misunderstandings about the nature of sex, marriage, the mate, and love.
3. “In-Between Inhibited” Men and Women
In-between sexual anesthesia and being on the verge of enjoying wonderful orgasms are all degrees of sexual inhibitions.
Three Things Determine the Severity of Inhibitions
The severity of a problem, or the lack of it, can be calculated in terms of the degree of inhibitions by three things:
The response to the mate’s caresses- The frequency of satisfaction in intercourse
- The quality of the orgasm itself
The Degree of Inhibitions Is a Subjective Matter
Determining the degree of inhibitions is purely a subjective matter that can be judged only by the individual. If the orgasm is weak and chronically leaves one with a feeling of dissatisfaction, a certain degree of inhibitions is present.
*PRD: Most Totally and In-Between Inhibited Spouses Reject Touching
On the Sexless Marriages Survey, the respondents indicated that both sex-rejecting husbands and wives frequently rejected all forms of touching:
Ways your companion withholds demonstrations of love:
- 50% Doesn’t initiate hugs
- 53% Hugs are stiff, not caressing
- 18% Doesn’t return hugs
- 68% Doesn’t initiate kisses
- 56% Kisses are stiff-lipped
- 39% Doesn’t return kisses
- 76% Doesn’t initiate touching
- 46% Doesn’t return touching
- 19% Calls touching groping
Here are some of the comments:
- There are SO many facets of his withholding that I could be here typing an answer to this one query for the next two hours. If you can name it, it’s probably one of his withholding modalities.
- I have to initiate EVERYTHING...she never just comes up to me and kisses me...WILL NOT kiss me during sex...seriously...turns her head...she will...but only if I pretty much make her...then she turns her head again...she will give me a peck goodbye in the morning, etc...but that’s just because I gripe at her if she doesn’t.
- Subtly pushes my hand away when I try to touch him. Rarely says I love you first. Won’t touch me around friends or family.
- Withheld his body. On a rare occasion, when I pushed for sex he told me not to touch private areas, that he didn’t like it. When I tried to kiss him, anything beyond a peck, he would get annoyed, push me away, and ask why I was jumping him.
The above answers indicate that many husbands and wives were trying to survive marriage to a spouse with a high degree of sexual inhibitions. See “Why Don’t Sexless Spouses Kiss, Hug, and Touch” in Part 2 (The Power of Sexual Surrender for Christians) for more information.*
4. “Masturbating Inhibited” Men and Women
Female “Clitoral-Type” Sexual Inhibitions
In addition to the degrees of inhibited desire and pleasure, another type of sexual inhibitions is essential to understand. We call a woman suffering from this form of inhibitions a “clitoral” type. She has the following characteristics:
- She is passionate during foreplay
- She has localized orgasms
- She defends her reactions as adequate
- She needs masturbation or a vibrator to respond
Clitoral Orgasms Alone Are Widespread
The clitoral woman—that is, the woman who experiences orgasm on her clitoris alone—is suffering from a form of sexual inhibitions. Indeed this form of inhibitions is prevalent, and we will devote much space to it in Chapter 9: “Masturbation Leads to Sexual Inhibitions,” tracing the origin of the difficulty and the need for treatment.
*PRD: Female “Clitoral and G-Spot” Inhibitions
Unfortunately, this type of inhibition is taught to women as many blogs, books, and podcasts promote clitoral and G-spot orgasms. Women are encouraged to teach their husbands what kind of manipulations they need to respond. Many authors talk about attitudes as being important. Indeed, a woman’s attitudes distinguish the clitoral woman from the anesthesia woman whose body is totally unresponsive.
Sadly, most of these teachers don’t seem to know how to take their readers to the next level of pleasure. Many authors who promote the Song of Solomon see all kinds of techniques in the book and fail to recognize the theme of the book—soulmate before lovemaking—take care of your attitudes toward yourself, your mate, and God’s desire for his people to enjoy passion. Unfortunately, most of the conservative books, blogs, and podcasts promote clitoral inhibitions.
Male “Oral-Sex-Type” Inhibitions
One of the first questions I got nearly 50 years ago came from two wives at different times. They both asked, “What about a husband who insists on oral sex and deprives his wife of a vaginal orgasm?”
Undoubtedly, requiring oral masturbation is the male version of a wife insisting on clitoral masturbation to come to orgasm. Additionally, the inhibited male probably likes oral sex only when he is the recipient. In other words, he does not enjoy orally caressing his wife.
Oral Sex Can Prepare Both the Male and Female for Vaginal Play
In contrast to requiring oral sex to orgasm, a wife’s loving oral attention to her husband is a wonderful way to bring a tired male member to life and ready it for sharing vaginal orgasms with cervical kisses. Oral kisses can also turn on the wife as she allows her rapid breathing to begin, which helps ready her for pleasure. However, I suspect insisting on oral sex is as inhibiting and widespread among men as experiencing only clitoral orgasms is among women.*
5. “Psychically Promiscuously Inhibited” Men and Women
This last class of inhibitions runs counter to the generalities of the other inhibitions. Though we consider this man and woman inhibited in the broad sense of the word, this type can enjoy full and complete orgasms practically every time. This is quite an astonishing fact, considering the usual close connection between emotions and sensations.
Unable to Build a Relationship with Any Person
However, this kind of man and woman cannot build a lasting relationship with the opposite sex. Thus they generally become promiscuous in the end or move on to a new partner. Somehow, a wedge was driven between their sexuality and ability to relate psychologically in a love relationship for any length of time. Their sexuality has come to apparent maturity while their character has remained infantile. We call this psychic inhibition.
Not to Be Confused with the Nymphomaniac and Satyriasis
This type of man and woman is not to be confused with the hyper-sexual nymphomaniac woman and satyriasis man. In my [Dr. Robinson] experience, the nymphomaniac and satyriasis are generally seriously mentally disturbed. For that reason, they are not included in this book.
Psychic Inhibitions Are Often Based on Childhood Molestation
Men and women with psychic inhibitions usually have affairs with one person at a time. Their cognitive distortions are generally based on early childhood seduction. They may start the new relationship by being very passionate but become sexless over time. Each succeeding relationship will follow this pattern.
*PRD: Two Kinds of Promiscuously Inhibited Men and Women
In Chapter 14: “Promiscuous Sexual Inhibitions,” Dr. Robinson contrasts people who are psychically promiscuously inhibited (1) due to childhood seduction with those who are promiscuously inhibited (2) due to looking for sexual awakening. Neither (1) the seduced individual nor (2) the one looking for sexual awakening is able to build a lasting bond. They are sexually active in the beginning of their relationships, but become inhibited within a few years. The cycle repeats itself with each new partner as they go from loving to inhibited.
Review of the Inhibited Types of Men and Women
1. Totally inhibited men and women have no reactions whatsoever, sometimes called “sexual anesthesia.”
2. Partially inhibited men and women are on the verge of sharing passion but are not quite there.
3. In-between inhibited men and women range between anesthesia and partial ecstasy.
4. Masturbating inhibited men and women prefer manual stimulation of their private parts over penetration with their mates.
5. Psychically promiscuously inhibited men and women enjoy full orgasms at first, then develop inhibitions as they are unable to form lasting emotional bonds with anyone.
6. Men and women with no sexual inhibitions are ready to enjoy frequent and passionate lovemaking as described in Chapter 2: “Vaginal Orgasms with Cervical Kisses.”*
Sexual Inhibitions Are Complicated
(Dr. Robinson ended the chapter by saying) I wish inhibitions were as uncomplicated as the descriptions make them sound. If they were, we would simply have a large number of men and women who aren’t getting all the pleasure out of life that is possible. But there is far more to it than this as the next chapters demonstrate.
In a later chapter, Dr. Robinson says: Fortunately, except for situational inhibitions [such as being unresponsive after the death of a family member], all inhibitions (including psychic inhibitions) have certain basic characteristics in common. This last fact allows us to approach each type with one basic solution.
The next newsletter will share more information.
Patsy Rae Dawson is a Christian marriage, sex, and personality coach. Her most popular coaching program is Sexuality & Personality Breakthrough Training: Hope for Sexless Marriages & Broken Souls When All Else Fails. Are you in a sexless marriage? Take Patsy's free Sexless Marriages Survey with Self-Assessment Checklists. Six checklists of intensely personal simple questions help you analyze the true state of your relationship so you can start solving the core problems.
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Orgasmic Attitudes to Share
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Discover Dr. Marie N. Robinson’s groundbreaking book that has transformed thousands of sexless marriages. Now Patsy Rae Dawson has updated it to become The Power of Sexual Surrender for Christians to make it more relevant than ever by adding:
- Men’s sexual inhibitions that parallel women’s hang-ups
- God’s 3-step formula for solving all sexual problems
- Surprising facts from The Sexless Marriages Survey
- God’s secrets for a lifetime of passion in the Song of Solomon
- Insights from 50 years of mentoring men and women
Explore the core issues in sexual inhibitions and ways to resolve them such as:
- Disabling the impact of inhibiting childhood drama and trauma
- Overcoming male and female pullbacks when beginning to enjoy sex
- Demystifying the 5 common types of sexual inhibitions
- Transforming angry inhibitions into loving orgasmic attitudes
- Celebrating masculinity and femininity for glorious orgasms
Patsy Rae Dawson is an international expert on The Song of Solomon. She skillfully combines scientific, psychological, and biblical insights to bring The Power of Sexual Surrender into the 21st century. Since 1973, she’s been teaching men and women the secret of orgasmic attitudes for sharing vaginal orgasms that turn into cervical kisses.
YOUR LOVE LIFE WILL NEVER BE THE SAME!