by Patsy Rae Dawson ~
Several recent husband-and-wife clients made me rethink my understanding of the Woman of Great Price in Proverbs 31:10-31. As I watched these couples work together to transform their marriages, it became clear that the wives could not be who they were if their husbands were not the caliber of men they were.
Together, they presented an amazing picture of the male/female one-flesh team that God designed in the Garden of Eden that blesses their children. A better name for the account in Proverbs would be “The Husband and Wife of Great Price.” We all know that it takes two to make a great marriage. One cannot do it alone.
Proverbs 31 Describes an Older Couple
It’s important to realize that the account describes an older couple. Two verses make their advanced ages obvious:
Verse 23 identifies the husband as one of the elders who sits at the gates of the city, passing judgment. Logically, if the husband is an older man, the wife is an older woman.- Verses 28-29 say her children are old enough to rise up and bless her. Her husband also praises her, saying, “Many daughters have done nobly, but you excel them all.” The husband compares his older wife to “daughters,” young women who are doing “nobly” in loving their husbands and children. The daughters have spent years learning and practicing being excellent wives. But the older wife has spent decades developing the character and wisdom to embody an excellent wife whose worth is far above jewels. In other words, the young daughters are “excellent wives” in the making. The older wife has arrived at maturity.
An Excellent Wife, Who Can Find?
The answer to that question is, “A husband who has spent decades developing his character and wisdom to become qualified to sit with the elders at the gates of the city.” I like to say:
- We spend the first 20 years growing up physically.
- We spend the next 20 years growing up emotionally.
- We spend the third 20 years reaping the rewards.
The older couple of Proverbs 31 is reaping the rewards from their early years of marriage, growing up emotionally and doing “nobly” as they faced the normal trials of life.
The Couple Depicts One-Flesh Love
The description of the Husband and Wife of Great Price reveals how they share the four parts of one-flesh love—intellectual, emotional, sexual, and spiritual intimacy. Indeed, the account begins with their intellectual, emotional, and sexual bonding and ends with their spiritual connection.
Begins with Intellectual, Emotional, and Sexual Bonding
Proverbs 31:10-11:
“An excellent wife, who can find her?
For her worth is far above jewels.
The heart of her husband trusts in her,
And he will have no lack of gain.
The words “heart” and “trusts” speak to three parts of one-flesh love—intellectual, emotional, and sexual intimacy. Notice the “feelings” or emotions in “heart” and “trusts” that are necessary for both a successful emotional and sexual relationship:
“Heart” (leb—Hebrew) is “used (figuratively) very widely for the feelings, the will, and even the intellect; likewise for the center of anything” (Strong’s H3824). “Very few usages of leb refer to concrete, physical meanings…. By far, the majority of the usages of leb refer either to the inner or immaterial nature in general or to one of the three traditional personality functions of man; emotion, thought, or will…. The whole spectrum of emotion is attributed to the heart” (The Theological Wordbook of the Old Testament [TWOT] 1071a).
“Trusts” is used frequently regarding “trusting” in the Lord, such as in Proverbs 29:25: “But he who trusts in the Lord will be exalted.” It is also an emotional word as it “stresses the feeling of being safe or secure” (TWOT 101).
Both the Husband and the Wife of Great Price enjoyed intellectual, emotional and sexual intimacy, and they had no lack of gain. Surely, no one doubts that the verses address intellectual and emotional bonding. But it might seem like a big leap from there to sexual ecstasy.
However, understanding the Bible’s foundation principle supporting lifelong sexual pleasure makes that conclusion logical. For example, the theme of the Song of Solomon is that enduring sexual joy requires intellectual and emotional bonding.
Likewise, experts on sexless marriages insist that incredible orgasms require the right mindset in both the husband and the wife. Dr. Marie N. Robinson in The Power of Sexual Surrender for Christians and Dr. Douglas Weiss in Intimacy Anorexia state that bad attitudes toward the mate, oneself, and sex prevent young and older couples from experiencing glorious love in each other’s arms.
My Sexless Marriages Survey of over 400 participants shows that sexually withholding spouses do not share emotional intimacy with their mates. Plus, the hearts of deprived mates do not “trust” their inhibited spouses. Instead, loving mates avoid revealing their true emotions and attitudes to protect their hearts from the withholders’ distorted blame and rejection. They are miserable in these unloving marriages and experience a lack of gain.
Some participants answered the following questions about their inhibited spouses this way:
List ways your companion withholds feelings.
- She prefers to talk in a “Chatty Kathy” roommate-type way. Information-only, fact-based conversations. What we need from the store, where the kids need to be, schedules, etc. After my wife quit talking to me about us, I wrote her for 8 years before I received a single reply. The topics I addressed never came up unless I brought them up.
He becomes non-existent in our lives. Ignores me, doesn’t talk to me, shares his thoughts or feelings with his friends instead of me.- Withdraws completely or becomes defensive or doesn’t really “hear” what I am trying to explain, sleeps it off, sweeps it under the rug, then pretends the conversations never happened.
- Professes love and says the things she thinks she is supposed to say as a way of checking off a list of duties, while remaining emotionally distant. Provides minimal physical demonstrations of affection, and even then, she does it in mechanical ways, and in ways that limit any possibility that the physical affection might develop any further than the minimal step she initiated.
Do you withhold feelings? If yes, explain.
- Yes. After I’ve tried eye contact or asking questions to draw him out and he doesn’t engage, I grow cold and silent (and resentful and bitter). As far as feelings of affection, I rarely initiate physical touch i.e., hugs, kisses, pats on the back, never initiate sex.
- I’ve pretty much shutdown. In 30 years of marriage, I cannot recall a single conversation about “us” or our marriage that was not argued about, contradicted, minimized, or negated. I try not to bring intimate issues up and only do so when I cannot stand the silence anymore.
- Yes. If I share my feelings, I either get attacked or my spouse plays the victim and blames me for how she acts. She will rarely admit or take ownership for her actions.
- Yes, to protect myself from further pain. When I am vulnerable emotionally, it just gives him weapons against me in a later verbal fight. He doesn’t listen to my actual emotions anyway, so why bother telling him.
- Not initially before we were married and just after we were married. But now I do because she quickly started using them against me.
Dr. Robinson, Dr. Weiss, and the Sexless Marriages Survey demonstrate that emotional and sexual intimacy go together. You can’t possibly have one without the other. If the husband’s heart trusts in his wife, of necessity, her heart must also trust in him. Heartfelt trust comes from two-way emotional confidence in each other.
Both Do Good and Not Evil
Proverbs 31:12:
“She does him good and not evil
All the days of her life.”
Nearly an equal number of husbands and wives have participated in the Sexless Marriages Survey. The survey consists of six separate self-assessment checklists. I quickly learned that I could not identify sexual withholders as either male or female by the abuses they heaped upon their loving spouses. As a result, I require participants to record their gender at the beginning of each checklist.
Likewise, as the six checklists progress from bad to worse, both men and women hold their own in dishing out the kind of evil that supports being “without natural affection.” (The checklists are based on the 20 escalating sins in 2 Timothy 3:1-5 that surround sin #9, being “without natural affection” or “unloving.”)
The wife “doing good and not evil” supports the couple’s hearts in trusting in each other. If one is doing evil and not good to the other, no one is enjoying a loving marriage. The Wife of Great Price is half of a team. She cannot be an island unto herself if she has a great marriage. Together, they are a Couple of Great Price.
Both Respect Masculinity and Femininity
Proverbs 31:15-17:
“And she rises while it is still night
And gives food to her household,
And portions to her attendants.
She considers a field and buys it;
From her earnings she plants a vineyard.
She girds herself with strength
And makes her arms strong.”
Proverbs 31:24:
“She makes linen garments and sells them,
And supplies belts to the tradesmen.”
The description of all that the woman of great price does in managing the home and teaching her daughters shows that her husband respects her femininity and role. He does not micromanage her but trusts her to be an entrepreneur and to take care of her jobs. To respect his wife’s feminine responsibilities and abilities, he has to appreciate his masculine contribution to their union.
Both Display Wisdom
Proverbs 31:23:
“Her husband is known in the gates,
When he sits among the elders of the land.”
Proverbs 31:26:
“She opens her mouth in wisdom,
And the teaching of kindness is on her tongue.”
“Wisdom” refers to “good prudence as opposed to evil instincts” (Strong’s H2451).
To sit among the elders of the land, the husband must display wisdom in all his dealings. His wife, likewise, exhibits feminine insights in her words and teachings.
Both Practice Kindness
The “teaching of kindness” would not be on the Wife of Great Price’s tongue if she were a sexual depriver. The hormones of lovemaking create kindness in both men and women. Indeed, Dr. Marie N. Robinson’s case histories demonstrate that one of the characteristics of inhibitions is the lack of empathy toward one’s mate. The wife may be kind toward everyone except her husband. Even in those cases, her sympathy toward others is a lower quality than it would be if she showed love for her husband.
This is also true for men. One husband said, “My wife and I enjoy a lot of lovemaking. But I have to be careful at work, because if I don’t catch myself, I instinctively call everyone ‘sweetie’ and ‘sweetheart.’ Even my male employees.” The fact that the Husband of Great Price’s heart trusts in his wife and he has no lack of gain demonstrates that the hormones of love affect his everyday actions.
Both Create a Loving Home
Proverbs 31:28a:
“Her children rise up and bless her;…”
The children rising up and praising their mother shows that they live in an emotionally healthy home. The children would not bless their mother if their home was the least dysfunctional.
Over and over, I observe that when one parent doesn’t know how to love the other, the children pay a terrible price for that neglect and abuse. They grow up to blame the loving parent for not protecting them from the unloving parent. Many of them move across the country to get away from their family.
And not witnessing true love in their homes, they often don’t recognize red flags when dating. Consequently, they frequently make poor marriage choices. Sadly, many survey participants experience this while trying to survive in a sexless marriage.
Both Thrive on Spiritual Intimacy
Proverbs 31:30-31:
“Charm is deceitful, and beauty is vain,
But a woman who fears the Lord, she shall be praised.
Give her the product of her hands,
And let her works praise her in the gates.”
The husband valuing his wife’s devotion to God shows they share spiritual intimacy. His work as an elder reflects his deep trust and respect for God. Both the husband and the wife are known in the gates as a spiritual power couple who teach and love others as they glorify God with their marriage.
So it seems appropriate to recognized that Proverbs 31:10-31 describes an older couple of great price. They have loved and supported each other over the years. As a result, they've grown into a model for young husbands and wives who are doing nobly.
The Couple of Great Price Calligraphy Download
If you would like to have your own calligraphy of the Woman or Couple of Great Price to frame, you can pick it up below, plus the pattern for the Rose of Sharon border and learn more about the calligraphy.
As a Certified Advanced Personality Trainer Patsy Rae Dawson developed a process to put individuals and couples on a fast-track to true intimacy by first taking off their survival mask to free up their God-given genetic passions. Are you in a sexless marriage? Take Patsy's free Sexless Marriages Survey with Self-Assessment Checklists. Six checklists of intensely personal, simple questions help you analyze the true state of your relationship so you can start solving the core problems.
The Marriage: A Taste of Heaven Series
Amazing Resources for
Speaking God’s Beautiful Language of Love
The Marriage: A Taste of Heaven series challenges you to see the Bible in a new light as God's soulmating and lovemaking guide for a lifetime of passionate sex. The books bring the Bible to life to offer hope for solving the #1 googled marriage problem: "sexless marriages" and "dead bedrooms." For those in good marriages, the series shows how to take their love life to a whole new level of ecstasy.
Growing in love is a lifetime duty of marriage.
Male and Female: God’s Genius—Soulmate to Fall in Love All Over Again: This book develops the fine points of soulmating attitudes that lead to a lifetime of ecstasy. Beginning with the creation, it promotes love and admiration for the opposite sex and oneself.
The Power of Sexual Surrender for Christians—Awaken Orgasmic Attitudes to Overcome Inhibited Sexual Desire and Pleasure: Learn the formula for changing your mindset to release your body for sexual ecstasy by overcoming childhood myths, trauma, and inhibitions.
God’s 11 Secrets of Sex for a Lifetime of Passion—Embrace the Song of Solomon’s Soulmating and Lovemaking Guide: This verse-by-verse study serves as the foundation of marriage as it portrays the 4-parts of one-flesh love—intellectual, emotional, sexual, and spiritual intimacy.
God’s People Make the Best Lovers—Thrill to God’s Way of a Man with a Maid: This book studies the mechanics of love necessary for enjoying vaginal orgasms and cervical kisses. It exposes the Victorian and feminist mindsets that still harm couples today. Each of these books covers a different area of intellectual, emotional, sexual, and spiritual love and supports the others.
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